"The Girlfriend Experience"-Not My Experience

When I had first head about Steven Soderbergh filming "The Girlfriend Experience" last year, I immediately cringed at the thought of yet another film that misrepresents the lifestyle of a sex worker, especially coming from the perspective of the mainstream Hollywood machine, whom I abhor greatly. When I found it would star porn starlet du jour Sasha Grey, I was a little relieved, but not totally convinced it would be accurate. Like many of her fans, I'm enamored with Grey's beauty and intelligence, as well as her different take on the porn industry. Still, Sasha Grey is not an escort and she wasn't writing the script. Most likely "The Girlfriend Experience" was a film that stemmed from all the hoopla over the Elliot Spitzer scandal and the fascination with the high priced escort that Spitzer had been seeing before he went down. Suddenly, everybody wanted to know what the life of an escort was like...ooohhhh boy! And really, nobody will ever get it right because our experiences vary so greatly.

I had heard some mixed reviews about the film before attending, but was curious to check it out regardless. Soderbergh specifically cast non-actors for all the roles in the film and most of the dialogue was improvised. I knew Grey had limited acting ability from watching her porn films in which she deadpans each line with little emotion, and this film is no different. Even her voiceovers in the film are delivered in her trademark monotone, but that's the least of it. Grey here plays Chelsea, an upscale escort in New York who lives with he personal trainer boyfriend Chris, played by real life personal trainer, Chris Santos. She shares little emotion or even conversational skills as she sees her upscale businessman clients and discusses the downturn of the economy with them by just nodding and agreeing with everything they say. Supposedly Chelsea makes "$2000 an hour" but this is never really established in the film, just assumed. I would even wonder why she charges that much, as other than a pretty face and some expensive lingerie, she's not offering much to these guys. The best escorts I know charge $300, $400, or $500 an hour and provide a lot more conversational assistance and are probably better fucks than Chelsea.

It's had to tell if it's a decision on the part of the filmmakers to show the escort as cold, shut-down, and reserved or if that's just Grey's thing. When a reporter asks about hev personality with clients she states that she plays "who they want me to be" and not a reflection of herself. While some escorts may agree with this, I personally don't. The best escorts offer up their real selves to clients, making some modifications, but learning to communicate with them as they would with anybody else in the real wold, making a connection and building off that. Most escorts market themselves in a way that reflection who they are or at least find comfortable, so if Chelsea is marketing herself as a vapid NYC socialite, then I'm sure that's who her clients want her to be.

There are a few doses of reality thrown in here, such as when a tactless client sees Chelsea in public and says hello, or the injection of a Dave Elms-type character who convinces her to do a free session with him in exchange for a good review on his "Erotic Conniseur" escort review website. (Elms is known for doing doing the same thing with escorts on The Erotic review; he's now in jail after being charged with attempted murder.) Her experience with the guy goes unspeakably bad and he gives Chelsea a horrible review that actually speaks truths about her personality. There were several laughs in the theatre when the review was read out loud, almost in agreement with the criticism of Chelsea's dull personality compounded with her high price tag.

The high point in the film is actually the performance by boyfriend Santos, who actually does posses some acting ability, despite his somewhat dislikable character. He's a personal trainer who also uses his body (somewhat) as a commodity and is constantly looking for new ways to increase his skills and clientele, similar to his girlfriend. Ultimately, that's what this film is all about, and we see the dichotomy of how each one deals with their clients, both of them ultimately bullshitting their way into bleeding the most money possible out of them. Chris puts forward more of an effort, while Chelsea just expects that these men want to pay her a fortune to have her be some arm candy for the night and nod in agreement with their grievances.

Like most (or all?) films with a sex worker character, Chelsea must go though a punishment of some kind. What's amazingly stupid about this plot turn is that the film goes though all this build up of portraying Chelsea as this well put together, seemingly intelligent (this is the film, not my observations) escort in a committed relationship and she goes on to make one of the stupidest mistakes one can make as an escort. A client, who she's only seen once, offers to dump his family and life commitments to take her away on a weekend trip and possibly more, causing her to actually consider entering into a relationship with a john, albeit one she barely knows and who is married with children. He boyfriend Chris is shocked at this news and their relationship suffers a big blow, but not before he gives her a cautionary lecture about what a dumb move she's making. She gets burned, of course, and stands alone in the middle of nowhere, crying, because she actually injected emotion into he line of work, and well, an escort should know better.

There were a few slight moments of familiarity but ultimately, I couldn't relate. The characters were underdeveloped, the dialogue was poorly delivered (with a few exceptions) and very little of it reflects my experience as an escort (then again, I don't wear Michael Kors dresses or buy LaPerla lingerie). Not to mention that, it's just not a very good film. Most moviegoers will be bored or sorely disappointed.

I attended the screening with a few escort friends of mine, as well as a large group of BDSM aficionados and other "sex-positive" people. Immediately afterwards, the three of us were put on the spot with questions about our lifestyle and how it compared to Chelsea's. Bebe and Paige, my escort friends, agreed with a lot of the film's content and how it was handled, I did not. Still, it sparked a lot of good discussion that continued once we got to a local bar and and tons of questions from curious individuals who wanted to know about the "real" escort lifestyle. And perhaps this is the best way to inform people (in addition to blogging) about what they're curious to know rather than having some Hollywood writers concoct a bunch of half-truths and then "punish" us for our career choice.

Maybe that's the lesson I leaned from "The Girlfriend Experience"...speak up! Otherwise people are going to speak for you, and you're not going to like what they have to say.

Finding a Middle Ground

Earlier this week, myself and a few of the other SWOP-Chicago ladies met with representatives from CAASE, better known as the Chicago Alliance Against Sexual Exploitation. If you've aware of this group, then you'd know that they're the ones responsible for such studies as "Deconstructing the Demand For Prostitution", "Curbing the Demand For Prostitution", and "Interviews With Five Ex-Pimps in Chicago." Their website includes quotes from anti-prostitution advocates such as Donna Hughes and Melissa Farley and they've hosted panels with our good buddies Robert Jensen and Sheriff Tom Dart here in town before. They use terms like "prostituted women" and refer to clients as "buying a woman's body", which in of itself is and offensive term, not matter how it's used. (They've buying a service, not a body) So yeah, you could say we're kinda on opposite sides of the issue here. I made sure we were all uber-prepared and organized for this meeting, but I also imagined that there was the potential for this to end up in a mini-screaming match, with me as the instigator. Heh.

Still we were there to find some common goals, being that we're the two main organizations in Chicago working for human rights for those in the sex industries (trades) and working to end violence against sex workers. The meeting was brought together by the woman we'd been renting our meeting space from who works for a rape crisis hotline and she acted as our facilitator, seeing that she knew people from both organizations. She introduced the discussion by bringing up the International Day to End Violence Against Sex Workers in December and asking the CAASE members if they had heard about this day (they had not, or at least had not done anything for it) and suggested our two organizations try to come together this year and collaborate on something to commemorate it. And so we decided that this was one issue both our organizations could agree upon...to end violence. I brought up the point that because of the criminal conditions surrounding those in our profession,and the negative stigma, sex workers are blamed when they're the victims of violent crimes and often are reluctant to report crime against them for fear of being arrested. But we all know this, right?

Here's the deal, though, CAASE works with the system, specifically the Chicago Coalition for the Homeless, and the Prostitution Alternatives round Table (Part), which was founded by one of its members, Samir. They also work hand in hand with, you guessed it, Sheriff Tom Dart of Craigslist suing fame. And guess what everybody??? Apparently Tom Dart doesn't want to arrest prostitutes. Thinks it's a waste of time, money, and resources. He's actually stated this before, but apparently didn't hold a press conference when he made that statement because I totally missed it. Whether Sheriff Dart puts this plan into action is another issue, but therein lies the other common goal both our organizations were able to find- we are both against the criminalization of prostitution and the arresting of prostitutes.

CAASE and similar organizations promote the "Swedish Model" of prostitution, which they call "IN DEMAND". This model makes decriminalizes prostitution for the workers, but makes it illegal to pay for sex, therefore putting the clients at risk of arrest. While other countries such as Norway and Iceland have also adopted this model, it has received harsh criticism from sex worker in Sweden, who believe it puts them at risk. Clients there are reluctant to give out information about themselves because they are now the ones at risk and workers (specifically street-based workers) are finding their own safety is jeopardized. (Check out this page on Scarlot Harlot's site to view some of the critiques of the Swedish Model.) I explained to them what some of the drawbacks of the "IN DEMAND" proposal were and they listened to my concerns, promising to check out the sites I mentioned. Samir announced that they would be doing small focus groups before taking any actions on this measure and that it was probably still a few years away before anything would happen regarding this.

By and large, the discussion went fairly well and was handled respectfully. I was probably the harshest critic in the room, calling them out of some of the language that they used in their studies ("prostituted women," "bought women"), reminding them that men and transgendered people could be sex workers as well, and that no, not all of our clients are evil perpetrators out to exploit us. Rachel reminded me that the reason for their studies was to show people that all kind of men from different backgrounds use sexual services, but in their work they've trying to show people that it's a negative thing, whereas in ours, it's more to show people that it's really a normal thing.

We concluded that these discussions were important and effective to seeing our two organizations meet our goals. We've made plans to meet on a quarterly basis and have more discussions similar to these, hopefully bringing more people to the table (we kept this particular discussion small in order to be productive). I'd love to host a public forum at some point where our two groups can bring together our supporters and try to find better ways to understand each other. I admit I was ready for a smackdown when I came to the table on Monday, but now I'm really satisfied about finding a middle ground and learning to work together despite our differences.

The War On Sex Work Rages On...

Whew! What a week it was for sex work related news. It seems the War on Sex is still alive and well, with everyone tying to find new ways to combat "child trafficking" by punishing consenting sex-hungry adults. When will it end? I know, the answer is "never."

Wednesday stated off with a bang, first with the announcement that Craigslist was caving into pressure by our very own Dudley Do-right, Tom Dart, and Illinois Attorney General Lisa Madigan and closing down its "erotic services" section. Boy, nothing seems to get people up in arms more than that damn "erotic services" section on Craigslist. I wish these "crimefighters" would get as angry about all these random murders that keep happening as they do about a goddamn section on a classifieds website. Hello people! Do you not realize there are tons of other websites for erotic providers to advertise on on the web? Are these people really going to take down each website, one by one?

Instead Craigslist has replaced its "erotic services" section with an "adult" section where advertisers are screened by employees and must pay $10 an ad. Upon first glance, it seems that this "adult" section is not much different from the "erotic services", except that the ads contain a lot less information and aren't as graphic in detail. The advertisers look pretty much the same and the services they're advertising are pretty much the same as well. Good job, you Illinois crime fighters. You're really making a difference in the world.

Unfortunately, what will happen now is that many of the street-based workers who may have turned to Craigslist for advertising will be pushed back onto the streets to work, resulting in much more dangerous working conditions. In this harsh economy, many workers have lost their main source of advertising and will be out of jobs themselves, like so many other people at this time. Check out this press release written by some of my friends and allies in New York on why this decision puts sex workers at risk.

In some cruel twist of fate, that same day it was announced that the Rhode Island House voted to criminalize prostitution again. Yes, for those not in the know, prostitution was decriminalized in Rhode Island as long as it took place indoors. It's not a done deal yet, as it still needs to be voted on in the Senate, but with a 62 to 8 vote in the House, things aren't looking good. Things are going backwards here, people. We're supposed to be working towards decriminalization, right? Rhode Island was kinda that secret that some people knew about but very few people talked about. Now, it's looking like it might be a thing of the past, and once again we're hearing cries of "child trafficking" as being one of the reasons why. Oh, give it up already.

Incidentally, SWOP-Chicago had scheduled to screen the documentary "Happy Endings" on June 12 before this announcement was made.

If you're in Chicago, come out to our screening at the Leather Archives and Museum on June 12. Here's the details-

THE SEX WORKERS OUTREACH PROJECT PRESENTS
an intriguing exploration of the Asian massage parlor industry in Providence, RI

"HAPPY ENDINGS?"
in support of SWOP-Chicago
presented by Clarisse Thorn
and hosted by the Leather Archives & Museum


Friday, June 12, 7PM
Leather Archives & Museum
6418 N. Greenview
$5-10 suggested donation to SWOP-Chicago



Rhode Island: the only state where prostitution was legal. It had been over 25 years since five prostitutes sued the state of Rhode Island for selective prosecution and prostitution laws were removed from the books, when documentarians Tara Hurley and Nick Marcoux turned their cameras on the underbelly of "The Renaissance City".

Watch the drama unfold in Asian massage parlors across Providence as Mayor David Ciccilline pushes to close the prostitution "loophole". Follow Heather, a Korean immigrant, over two years as she manages the massage parlor. Learn about the women who work in the spas. Hear from the police who arrest them. Watch the fight for and against the legislation. The film includes subtitled interviews with Korean women who work in the spas, clients who frequent the spas, police, politicians from 1980 and today, local news footage, local radio call-in shows, and "voiced" reviews from internet escort review boards. Read more, watch the trailer, and see clips from the film at .

Just recently -- May 2009 -- prostitution has been criminalized again in Rhode Island. Come out, watch the documentary, and talk about it afterwards. What do you think about sex work? Is the change in Rhode Island law fair or unfair? Delicious snacks will be served, and discussion will follow! This is a benefit for the Sex Workers Outreach Project, and we're requesting a $5-10 donation from attendees.


To learn more about the Chicago chapter of the Sex Workers Outreach Project: http://www.swop-chicago.org ]

Thanks to our host the Leather Archives and Museum, preserving the history of alternative sexuality: [ http://www.leatherarchives.org/ ]

Screening facilitated by Clarisse Thorn, sex-positive activist and curator of the Sex+++ Film Series: [ http://clarissethorn.wordpress.com/ ]


That's all for now. And that's enough.

I Am A Sex Worker

Check out this video produced by the awesome Audacia ray at the first Speak up! media training awareness workshop for sex workers held last month in NYC. I'm hoping to bring this workshop to Chicago next so we'll see if we can make that happen later this year. Until then, check out this rad video...

Click To Play

Sex Work Doesn't Kill People, People Kill People

By now you've probably heard about the masseuse who was murdered earlier this week in a Boston Marriott after advertising her services on Craigslist. Boy that Craigslist just can't go a day without some type of controversy! The facts that seem to be coming out of the case are that the woman was an apparent robbery victim and her perpetrator had robbed another woman the week before at a Westin Hotel, also in Boston. The killer is still on the loose, stylishly dressed, and likes to text message while walking through hotel lobbies. But why can't they figure out who he is? It would seem to me they could find her phone records, or appointment book...or something. But hey, I'm not a detective and that's all I'm going to say about that right now.

What really seems to be at issue is that some of these publications are pondering whether or not she was an actual "masseuse" or was giving a little handski at the end of her session, making her a prostitute. Who the hell cares? Does it make her more deserving of of her fate if she was offering to jerk guys off at the end during her sessions? No. She was murdered in a robbery attempt and the killer's motivations, based on the previous attack, seemed to be solely money. And yes, the guy seemed to be preying on Craigslist massage providers, but ultimately, this could have been anybody.

The day this story broke, it was posted just about everywhere I looked and right off the bat I saw people criticizing her behavior, questioning her screening techniques, blaming her for using Craigslist, blaming her for possibly being a prostitute. Basically, blaming the victim. So tell me blamers, are you blaming the two people that got shot at a hospital today for working in a hospital? I mean, hospitals are dangerous. Are you blaming the 14 people at the immigration center from the shooting last week for their behavior? They were immigrants, after all. What about all the wives and children that seem to get shot and killed by upset husbands and fathers nearly every day? It was their choice to get married! What about the 8 year old from California who got murdered? What kind of risky behavior was she engaging in before she died? The truth is, anybody can be a victim of a violent attack these days, whether we're praying in church or buying crack in a back alley somewhere.

Truth be told, I've engaged in the same type of behavior this girl was engaging in many, many, many, many times before. Probably more that she ever had. My massages did end "happily". I was probably carrying more money than I should have around. Young, white middle class client that seems perfectly safe. Upscale hotel in large city. Been there, done that. I've never been robbed on the job. Never been a victim of a violent attack. Never encountered a client with a gun. Perhaps I'm lucky, or maybe I screen my clients well, but maybe that doesn't really matter in this case. There's no way of knowing a client is going to do something like this, even if she had all his life and work information and references from 10 providers. People are unpredictable. It's one of the risks we all take in life. However, the fact that this girl was giving erotic massages (or not) and that she used Craigslist are irrelevant here.

Now, I'm sure a lot the the anti-prostitution organizations will use this case as another way to argue "prostitution is dangerous whether it happens on the street or a nice hotel" and I'm sure Tom Dart will just use this to further hammer home his nutty platform, but it's really not the issue at hand here. The criminalization of this industry is what makes things so unsafe for those of us working in it. Even the Boston Globe points out "... many escorts may not report crimes against them." Because oftentimes police will say "we can arrest you (the escort) and the victim, or do nothing." It happens all the time. So potentially in a case like this you have a violent robber or serial killer (see "The Green River Killer") on the loose, but nothing is getting reported on it because the victims are sex workers. If our industry wasn't criminalized or stigmatized, we probably wouldn't have these problems. And no, removing the erotic services section from Craiglslist isn't going to make things better either.

So while the hunt for this killer from Boston is still on, perhaps we need to start looking at the big picture here. Whether this woman was giving legitimate or erotic massages doesn't really matter in the end. We all need to protect ourselves in this industry, keep records of clients away from where you are working, check ID's, have a "safe-call" system, and learn some self-defense techniques, as I've been doing. If we don't protect ourselves, the police surely aren't going to do it for us. Remember, it's not the "industry" that caused this crimes, it's some asshole who has issues with women in general that would've probably grown up to be one of those guys who shoots his wife and kids and then turns the gun on himself. Blame him, not the victim.

Introducing..."Chicago Pleasure Salon", First Tuesdays Starting April 7

My friend Clarisse, who runs the kick-ass Sex-Positive Documentary Film Series, had been kicking around the idea of doing a sex industry/sex-positive meet and greet night each month for sometime now. Chicago's got a large community or kinksters and pervs, but we're all a little closed-off from one another, so hopefully these events will bridge that gap a little. I'm so excited this is finally happening! Spread the word...

Introducing ....

PLEASURE SALON
presented by
SEX+++ and SWOP-Chicago


Announcing the very first night of Chicago's new sex-positive meetup! On Tuesday, April 7th between 6 and 10 P.M., come out to Villains -- buy a sandwich or a drink -- and hang out with Chicago's sex-positive community. Pleasure Salon, every first Tuesday, will be the place to talk about sex, culture and sexual fun! This event is modeled on New York's Pleasure Salon, "A Gathering of Sex-Positive Activists". We want to build networks among all kinds of sex-positive people and create an open exchange of ideas about sex. All are welcome.

Pleasure Salon is hosted by Clarisse Thorn, Serpent Libertine and The Ultimates, and co-organized with the awesome Pleasure Salon Committee: Cunning Minx, Aspasia Bonasera, S.I.R., Arvan Reese, Ben, and Robyn. We all want you to attend Pleasure Salon -- whether you identify as

+ a sexuality activist,
+ a sex worker,
+ a pornographer,
+ LGBTQ,
+ BDSM,
+ a swinger,
+ a polyamory practitioner,
+ a tantric practitioner,
+ a sex educator,
+ a free speech advocate,
+ a progressive pastor,
+ an AIDS worker,
+ a radical feminist,
+ a student,
+ not at all studious,
+ skeptical about our politics and aims,
+ or just someone who likes talking about sex!


Help us create a more sex-positive world!

PLEASURE SALON
1st Tuesdays, 6-10pm
beginning April 7th, 2009

Villains Bar & Grill
649 S. Clark Street
http://www.villainschicago.com/
NO COVER
Under 21 welcome, but they obviously cannot drink.

Setting Goals

It's been a crazy week for me here and today I just finished the 10 Day Master Cleanse, which I'm sure many of you have heard about via the various publicity it gets. I'd heard all about it, too and had many friends that had tried it over the years but I never, ever thought that I'd be able to go 10 days living on lemon juice and maple syrup. Guess what? I survived. Me, a total foodaholic who could never imagine even going one day without solid food. I can tell you this...it starts out pretty rough, but after day two or so you stop craving food and start to feel pretty good, more energized, and totally focused on finishing the cleanse. It's rough...not being able to go out drink, and party with friends, but after years of toxifying my body with junk, I'm getting a new start. I dropped five pounds and feel ready to stop poisoning my body with junk foods that make me look and feel like crap. But no, I'm not going to stop drinking or smoking. I will, however, try to never eat crappy fast food ever again. I am not stopping at the McDonald's drive-thru for anyone. Taco Bell, maybe, but not McDonald's.

Last week I also obtained my yellow belt in Hapkido, a martial art I started practicing a few months ago. For martial arts aficionados, yes I know this is pretty low, but hey, it's a start. I honestly didn't think I could do it because I hadn't had that much time to prepare and was pretty nervous, but they passed me despite my making a few errors. I tested in the "slow learner" category. I've wanted to learn martial arts for awhile now and it's a pretty big confidence builder, but I will say I'm pretty timid at my level right now. I'm shy with the vocalizations and my kicks and punches are pretty shitty, but I imagine I'll have to get it together if I want to keep testing for new belts. I do lack discipline in my life and this is a way to get it back. Maybe.

As a sex worker, I think it's important that we set goals for ourselves. These two things may seem minor, but they were both decisions I had be mulling around for awhile and had lacked the motivation to follow through with until I finally convinced myself that I needed to do them for the betterment of my life. It's very easy to get caught up in the whole "work lifestyle" of seeing clients in this line of work that you tend to ignore the fact that you may not be doing anything else with your life that makes you happy, or that will better prepare you for the future. Setting goals, whether they be long or short term, helps us gain more structure in our lives, which can oftentimes be so random and full of procrastination and uncertainty. Let's face it...many sex workers have a lot of free time on their hands and spending it in front of the TV or feeling sorry about yourself just doesn't get you anywhere.

I used to be a heavy pot smoker. Every day, several times a day I'd smoke up, gorge myself on food, and waste away in front of my TV waiting for my phone to ring. I worked primarily for escort agencies at this time, working the graveyard shift late at night. It was a really lonely time in my life and save for a few of my pot-smoking buddies, I had very little contact with people in the outside world. Sometimes I'd be too paranoid or baked to take the calls that came in, and I gained a lot of weight from getting the munchies all the time. During this time period, some pretty awful things happened to me, including getting evicted, getting arrested, and getting kicked out of numerous apartments because of my failure to pay rent. It wasn't until i realized that I needed to get my life in order and stop waiting for things to happen and start making them happen.

I went back to college to finish my degree and stopped smoking pot, almost immediately upon registering for college. Much like the Master Cleanse, I don't think I could do it. I had been a serious smoker for over five years and didn't think I could phase it out of my life. I did. I also graduated from college a few years back and started working in a profession that I try to incorporate into my sex worker/activist life, but not really one that promises steady work. It was my choice to pursue something I loved rather than something that was "safe" and that, essentially, is how I live my life. I'm not interested in doing things that make me unhappy anymore. I'm interested in finding ways that I can improve my life, improve other people's lives, and setting new goals for myself. Get rid of the things that make you unhappy, even if it is sex work itself, and find a new way to re-invent yourself. It's the very least we can do to stay sane in this industry.

I have some other exciting goals and plans in store for this year, the first of which is the new monthly "Pleasure Salon" that I'm co-hosting with my new friend Clarisse Thorn, curator of the Sex-Positive Film Festival that's been running at Hull House. This will be a monthly meet and greet, starting Tuesday April 7, for the various sex-positive communities in Chicago to come together in a casual setting and will be hosted at Villains Bar, near downtown. I'm working on a video for the awesome Leather Archives and Museum, on Chicago's north side and hopefully finishing up some more videos for RLDC (help!). My other new friend Paige has asked me to write a column for her new website, Chicago-Independent-provider-network.com, which should be up in a month or so and I'm re-inventing my work personality to do something fun with clients that I've been wanting to do for quite sometime.

And then, of course, there's that cute boy who's been sexting me...