Teetering the Line

Five years ago I went back to college to finish my degree and got my BA in film and video in 2006. I freelance in the mainstream film industry, which is just as risky a business as the sex industry, but it was a longtime dream of mine. Essentially I went from being a sadist in the sex industry to a masochist in the film industry, which demands twelve to fourteen hour days, erratic (sometimes no) pay, and oftentimes poor working conditions. Those of us that do it are in it for the love of filmaking and the power of media, despite our better judgement.

Being a sex worker has actually helped me to find work in film, but not how you think. When you're trying to break into this industry, you have to take any job you can get and sometimes jobs are few and far between. Others have long and erratic hours, making it impossible to hold down a normal job while trying to find film work. After a few years of trying, a lot of people give up working in the film industry and finally get a "real" job in an unrelated field because they can't afford to live off the wages they're making. Those that stick with it and make a name for themselves can make upwards of $400/day. I've lucked out. A lot of the people I've graduated with just two years ago have pretty much given up on trying to find regular film work and are looking into other fields. I work on films on weekends and supplement by doing sex work during the week. I've got it balanced out.

Man, sometimes I just love being a sex worker so much.

That said, I have to be careful now that I'm teetering the line between the regular work world and the sex work world. I don't publish photos of myself online for advertising. I know a lot of people think this is crazy...insane even...but I'm not a high volume provider much anymore and have to be careful about who might discover my "secret." Yes, I know it wouldn't be too hard for most people to find out (shit, I'm a SWOP member) but I can't run the risk of having the wrong person come across my photo only to run into them on a film set.

This is a problem I imagine most sex workers face...how do you incorporate yourself into the mainstream work world after being a sex worker for so long? What if someone recognizes you?

During the day, when I work on film, you would NEVER recognize or even guess that I'm a sex worker at night. I'm very tomboy-ish looking, wear little makeup and really don't exude any sexiness. The job I do is traditionally (almost always) done by men and I take quite a bit of grief for it (people don't trust me). I like it like this. I never want people to be able to look at me and guess what I am. I hate stereotypes.

Still, it's very difficult for me to bond with these people I work around. I don't like most of them and don't really feel comfortable talking to them about most subjects. After so many years in the industry, I truly only feel comfortable hanging out with other sex workers or at least those who know and accept what I do. I know I can speak freely around them and have no need to censor myself like I often feel I need to around those "not in the know." Do I put up a huge defense if I hear someone make a deragatory comment about prostitutes or just remain silent, as not to give myself away? These are issues I still face every day.


I long for the day when I can direct my own film...the one that changes the way people view sex workers, the one where I can tell my crew "hey, this is my autobiography." Not now, though. Probably not for a long time.