Coming Out, Quick and Painlessly
One of the things that Robyn Few was adamant about when she was here in Chicago was how important it is to be "out and proud" as a sex worker. It's something I've struggled with for awhile now, debating internally who it's safe to tell and not. For obvious reasons I'm not "out" to many people in my life, it's just not safe. Most sex workers face this reality. Certain people are going to accept you, most will not. It's a lot of the same issues people in the gay and lesbian communities face, but for us, the repercussions can be even harsher.
Due to my activist work these days I'm more "out" than I ever have been and feeling more comfortable with it, but I still have worries. Still, I walked away from Desiree with the message that it's in all our best interests to be as "out" as possible, especially when you are portraying the image of a sex worker contrary to the perceived stereotypes that most people believe in. I have a blog, a TV show/podcast, a burgeoning profile in the national sex worker activist community, and a role as a leader in the local activist community. People ask me questions about my work all the time and I have to answer them. I am somewhat of a mentor for the younger women in the industry, but I still have issues. Some of these younger women are more "out" than I am and I feel somewhat guilty about that, but I am, by nature, a very private person.
So that brings me to the topic of "coming out" in relationships. How do we know who we can trust or not? A close friend of mine, and very open sex worker, relayed the story of an incident that happened to her this summer when she told a guy she was literally seconds away from sleeping with that she was an escort. He promptly put his clothes back on and rushed out the door, horrified that the woman he was with was a prostitute (no, she wasn't going to charge him.) I kept thinking about what a mortifying experience it was for her. Despite her willingness to be open and honest, everything backfired on her. I didn't want to imagine having to be in that situation...not knowing who the guy would blab to next about you being a "dirty whore." She took it all in stride, I was just shocked. A guy would turn down a chance to get laid because he was freaked out a woman was an escort? It's just seems so hypocritical.
I came out to my last boyfriend several months after we had been in engaged in a tumultuous on-again, off-again relationship that would go on for years. It was a strange and awkward moment that I initially regretted, but ultimately he accepted what I did. That's not to say he didn't have some reservations and a lot of questions. It was just easier to continue on in the relationship after he knew the truth about me. So I realized that every relationship from then on would have to be the same way. Hiding your sex worker status from a primary partner in you life just creates a web of lies and complications. If someone can't accept me for being who I am, then I don't need them in my life.
Very recently I hooked up with a guy who had an interest in me for some time. I had gotten to know him a little bit through a mutual friend of our and based on conversations we'd had, he seemed like he'd be pretty sex worker positive. Our mutual friend is also in the sex industry and I wasn't exactly sure what kind of information had been passed on regarding me being in the industry. After we fucked for the first time he was telling me about some fetishes he had and having bit of a difficult time with it so I just blurted out, "you know I'm a whore, didn't you?" Just like that. Apparently, he didn't know. I mean, I think everyone knows these days. And you what? He was OK with it. In fact, he said "I knew there was something about you that intrigued me."
For all I know, he could be freaking out to his friends on the phone right now about what a dirty slut I am (shit, he probably is anyway) but he sure as hell didn't throw his clothes back on in a hurry and run out the door. It was quick and painless and the result was better than I expected. If there's a potential for a relationship here, then we can start on a clean, honest slate and move forward from there. I wouldn't have done something like this five, six years ago. The thing is...I don't need to be in a relationship . I'm at the point where if someone can't accept me for who I am, then I have no use for them in my life.
Due to my activist work these days I'm more "out" than I ever have been and feeling more comfortable with it, but I still have worries. Still, I walked away from Desiree with the message that it's in all our best interests to be as "out" as possible, especially when you are portraying the image of a sex worker contrary to the perceived stereotypes that most people believe in. I have a blog, a TV show/podcast, a burgeoning profile in the national sex worker activist community, and a role as a leader in the local activist community. People ask me questions about my work all the time and I have to answer them. I am somewhat of a mentor for the younger women in the industry, but I still have issues. Some of these younger women are more "out" than I am and I feel somewhat guilty about that, but I am, by nature, a very private person.
So that brings me to the topic of "coming out" in relationships. How do we know who we can trust or not? A close friend of mine, and very open sex worker, relayed the story of an incident that happened to her this summer when she told a guy she was literally seconds away from sleeping with that she was an escort. He promptly put his clothes back on and rushed out the door, horrified that the woman he was with was a prostitute (no, she wasn't going to charge him.) I kept thinking about what a mortifying experience it was for her. Despite her willingness to be open and honest, everything backfired on her. I didn't want to imagine having to be in that situation...not knowing who the guy would blab to next about you being a "dirty whore." She took it all in stride, I was just shocked. A guy would turn down a chance to get laid because he was freaked out a woman was an escort? It's just seems so hypocritical.
I came out to my last boyfriend several months after we had been in engaged in a tumultuous on-again, off-again relationship that would go on for years. It was a strange and awkward moment that I initially regretted, but ultimately he accepted what I did. That's not to say he didn't have some reservations and a lot of questions. It was just easier to continue on in the relationship after he knew the truth about me. So I realized that every relationship from then on would have to be the same way. Hiding your sex worker status from a primary partner in you life just creates a web of lies and complications. If someone can't accept me for being who I am, then I don't need them in my life.
Very recently I hooked up with a guy who had an interest in me for some time. I had gotten to know him a little bit through a mutual friend of our and based on conversations we'd had, he seemed like he'd be pretty sex worker positive. Our mutual friend is also in the sex industry and I wasn't exactly sure what kind of information had been passed on regarding me being in the industry. After we fucked for the first time he was telling me about some fetishes he had and having bit of a difficult time with it so I just blurted out, "you know I'm a whore, didn't you?" Just like that. Apparently, he didn't know. I mean, I think everyone knows these days. And you what? He was OK with it. In fact, he said "I knew there was something about you that intrigued me."
For all I know, he could be freaking out to his friends on the phone right now about what a dirty slut I am (shit, he probably is anyway) but he sure as hell didn't throw his clothes back on in a hurry and run out the door. It was quick and painless and the result was better than I expected. If there's a potential for a relationship here, then we can start on a clean, honest slate and move forward from there. I wouldn't have done something like this five, six years ago. The thing is...I don't need to be in a relationship . I'm at the point where if someone can't accept me for who I am, then I have no use for them in my life.
posted by Serpentlibertine at
10:56 PM
4 Comments:
Serpent,
Coming out as a sex worker can be a good thing, but you have to be selective. It is a good thing for close friends and significant others, if you are going to be in a serious relationship. If they are OK with it, you will be empowered. If they aren't, at least you know they are not people you would associate with. But for certain family or co-workers, it can have bad consequences. Some people are close-minded and will never be OK with sex work. It's sad but it's the world we live in.
I agree with you, coming out as a sex worker and coming out as gay to the straight community is a lot alike. However, as a gay male sex-worker, I have to say coming out a sex-worker to other gays is not such a big deal. When I've told friends or significant others what I do, they say " you're young, cute and need money, we understand". Maybe it is because we are already in a minority, that it is considered OK, or maybe they thinks we are all whores to begin with. My two cents. Roberto
It's just seems so hypocritical.
Talk about hitting the nail on the head.
Hiding your sex worker status from a primary partner in you life just creates a web of lies and complications. If someone can't accept me for being who I am, then I don't need them in my life.
I agree with you on both points. My girlfriend knows (and in fact, I got her approval before I went into it). But I have wrestled with telling my parents. Thus far, I have come down on the side that it is safer for them if they don't know.
Yeah, parents are an exception. I don't tell them.
I tell anyone who is personally involved with me. Starting with my mom.
I've also learned that it's important to tell people you're in a romantic relationship with. You MUST know whether or not they can accept you. It hurts when they can't, but my very painful experience has shown you MUST know if there are issues. I'm no longer willing to accept someone who cannot accept me. Period.
XX
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